Time to Man Up

Although I am an ardent Barack Obama supporter, I remain unconvinced of his credentials in one vital area: If elected president, can he put forth a family relation (he has numerous half siblings) who will reliably commit gaffes that can be publicly chronicled.

When we have a new president, we have been conditioned to expect, besides “change,” that he will bring in the family nitwit trailing in his wake. This imbecile is designated to trade off the family name as a front man for, say, dubious land schemes.

Richard Nixon had his brother Donald who rubbed elbows with embezzlers and clinically insane plutocrats to get his greasy nickels and dimes. On the other side of the aisle, Jimmy Carter had his brother Billy who was reputed to read a book a day. Billy did more than just lead the contemplative life, though. He found the time to launch Billy Beer—widely reviled as the worst beer ever—and become a registered foreign agent for the Libyan government.

Hillary Clinton, setting aside for a moment her general odiousness these days and her pointed white hat, at least has established her bona fides in this area. She has her brother Hugh.

Hugh embraced his role as a de facto sibling during the Clinton administration and entered into a problematic hazelnut deal with the Republic of Georgia and lobbied strenuously and lucratively to obtain a pardon for a convicted drug trafficker in the waning days of Bill’s presidency.

At the end of day, I take consolation in Barack Obama’s large extended family. Although no one has emerged yet, I am confident that when Senator Obama becomes president, one of them will emerge as a shill for a trout farm in Turkmenistan.

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Estos Gringos No Tienen Ni Puta Idea

Cinco de Mayo, also known as Excuse to Drink Cinco Margaritas on a Monday.  Sigh.

So yeah, it’s actually the commemoration of the Mexican army beating the French in an initial battle, though the French occupied Mexico a year later (before being eventually kicked out in 1867). This according to the wikipedia entry I just read, because I didn’t know s**t about the holiday either. In fact, most people don’t really know about May Day (aka International Worker’s Day) or Cinco de Mayo, both holidays “born out of struggles here in the US – the militant labor movement of the 1880s and the Chicano Movimiento of the 1960s” [Educational Justice]. Cinco de Mayo was one bloody victory for the Mexican army among years of occupation, massacre and warfare (I’m not even gonna bring up the Aztecs), all of which are totally glossed over. So in the spirit of alternative historical perspectives, here is a holiday drink recipe celebrating the course of Western imperialism, free market capitalism and gringos drunkenly enjoying ourselves at the expense of others!

Cinco de Mayo Margarita

1 oz NAFTA-protected Tequila made from blue agave, owned by enormous American conglomerate such as Allied Domecq Spirits

1/2 oz triple sec, perhaps Cointreau, made in Angers, France from oranges grown in Haiti on fields where Columbus slaughtered the native Arawak people

1 oz lime juice, squeezed from limes harvested and sorted by overworked and exploited migrant workers, soon to be replaced by robots! [Wired Magazine]

Have five or six of these babies tonight and you’ll feel like Che Guevara by morning. Sí se puede!